Rock News 28/07/09

· John "Marmaduke" Dawson, a longtime Grateful Dead collaborator who co-wrote "Friend of the Devil. The songwriter died at age 64 from stomach cancer
· The UK's The Sun is reporting that a new John Lennon song could be published from beyond the grave - 30 years after his death. The lyrics to the song "Tell Her Now" were penned by the murdered Beatle in the 1960s, but no music was ever written to go with them.
· Blink 182 kicked off their reunion tour last Thursday in Las Vegas, apparently they rocked out like we all know and love them.

Crazy Diets

Tapeworm – this is absolutely insane, people have actually eaten a tapeworm larvae in a cyst and then let it grow to maturity in their stomach, all the while eating all their food causing the body to use fat instead, you then simply take worm pills that kill the bugger and poop it out.
Fletcherizing – this involves chewing your food 32 times with your head tilted slightly forward, you then tilt it backward, any food that doesn’t naturally slide down your throat must be spat out. The inventor also said we should chew liquid and not eat when angry or sad.
Shangri-La diet – with this bad boy you can eat what you want as much as you want, as long as for two hours a day all you taste and eat is either sugar water or olive oil a whole 100 – 400 calories apparently this lowers the optimum weight for your body.

Some Pretty Nasty Food.

Casu Marzu – it is a traditional Sardinian cheese that is actually outlawed because it usually comes with a whole bunch of live insects inside the cheese, fortunately or unfortunately these insects sometimes die and make the cheese toxic and deadly, so basically its Russian Roulette but with cheese.
Raw blood soup – you can thank the Vietnamese for this one, its usually chilled duck blood but they have been known to go for pig as well. No wonder swine flu and bird flu is on the rise. I asked my Vietnamese friend why they ate this all he could say was that in his country they enjoy a healthy breakfast. Don’t worry it usually comes with some peanuts on top
Surströmming – this eighth wonder of the modern world has actually been around for millennia, turns out is all it is, is a bunch of extremely rotten sardines, so rotten in fact that it is often eaten outdoors.

Ways to live longer

1. Don’t oversleep – studies have recently shown that sleeping more than eight hours a day can actually lower your life expectancy – that means go out more !
2. Be optimistic – if you love life it will love you, and it has been found that people who are less stressed live longer
3. Have more sex – this lowers stress and risk of heart attacks and strokes
4. But a dog – people who own dogs actually have a 12% better chance of surviving a heart attack and have lower stress levels
5. Get a VAP – this test can tell you exactly what is going on with your heart and we all know how important that is
6. Be rich – if you have money you can afford better health care plain and simple
7. Stop smoking – we all do it but the reality is that it takes a huge toll on your health and you only feel the effects years later, if you insist on smoking drink orange juice.
8. Don’t get angry – scientists recently discovered that people that respond to stress with anger are almost 3 times as likely to die than those that don’t
9. Eat antioxidants, these things actually slow down the rate of aging of your cellsMarry well – the ability to live long is to some degree inherited.

Rock News 22/07/09

· Its official Weezer is almost done with their 7th album to date unfortunately the album title is still TBA
· Apparently Blink 182 will spare no expense when it comes to their upcoming reunion tour, they have hired an absolute legend when it comes to stage rigging, stay tuned to my shows for updates
· Yeah Yeah Yeahs have joined the Lollapalooza festival lineup as the headliners for Saturday night (August 8). This means that the yeah yeah yeahs are replacing the beastie boys due to the unfortunate cancer of one of the members that I told you about last night
· Sum 41 are back from their recent tour with the offspring, that means they are ahrd at work on their new album

Cheapest ways to get drunk

1. home-brewed alcohol native to India, sounds too bad at all. Granted, its 90 percent alcohol content will end you. It is simply made by fermenting the mash of sugar cane pulp in large ceramic containers.
2. Russian aftershave Boasting a 97 percent alcohol content that should earn it a skull and crossbones on the label, the cheap aftershaves are often bottled to resemble cheap vodka, because, you know, drinking out of an actual aftershave bottle would just be humiliating.
3. Thunder bird – introduced after the American prohibition, they produced radio ads with the catchy lyrics, "What's the word / Thunderbird / How's it sold? / Good and cold / What's the jive? / Bird's alive / What's the price? / Thirty twice." You know what's not awesome about that? Not a damn thing.
4. Pruno made from fruit, water, sugar and tomato sauce – most commonly found in prison toilets, may prison guards opt to urinate in the mix rather than confiscate it, most prisoners never realize, it is after all a drink best served with a side dish off prison sex.
5. Changaa - A Kenyan alcohol made by gangsters at home, they often mix it with jet fuel to make it more potent. In case you wondered this stuff kills thousands of people each year.

Top 10 Greatest guitar solos of all time

1 "Johnny B. Goode" Chuck Berry (1958)
2 "Purple Haze" The Jimi Hendrix Experience (1967)
3 "Crossroads" Cream (1968)
4 "You Really Got Me" The Kinks (1964)
5 "Brown Sugar" The Rolling Stones (1971)
6 "Eruption" Van Halen (1978)
7 "While My Guitar GentlyWeeps" The Beatles (1968)
9 "Statesboro Blues" The Allman Brothers Band (1971)
10 "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Nirvana (1991)

The Tuks FM Mettle Massacre

You better be there, the Tuks FM mettle massacre, brought to you by the authority of rock music. its going to be the biggest party this year ! as Michael bower would say "Praise the Loud"

Ten Tips for Better Sex

Most people make sex a casual thing and this often leads to it becoming a rather boring and robotic activity, have no fear because I have written a list of ten points that is guaranteed to improve your sex life.

1. Start early – sex doesn’t start when you get into bed, your chances of having sex is influenced throughout the day, so make him/her feel special throughout the day.
2. Pay attention to touch – the desirability of sexual touch is increased if there is a lot of touch happening all the time in a non sexual setting. E.G massaging her shoulders or feet during a movie or holding hands.
3. Look good – forget the whole “she’ll accept me however I look” thing, fact is you need to look good at all times if you want to get any.
4. Smell good – if you smell good she will want to get closer to you, there is nothing worse than someone who hasn’t at least put deo on.
5. Master the art of good conversation – when conversation stops people start to feel uncomfortable and bored, two things that do not promote getting intimate.
6. Share activities – if your partner wants to go somewhere or do something tag along this makes more time to talk and more opportunities to get intimate.
7. Make time for romance – having a set date even after a year of being together really heightens the likely hood of intimacy.
8. Be spontaneous – you can do this and still set dates, do things on the whim, go somewhere random, live out your fantasies where ever you are.
9. Take care of yourself – you can spot someone who is run down pretty easily, so get rest and stay fit, it also means you have more energy for intimacy.
10. Let go in bed – its meant to be an escape so let go of all your problems otherwise your stress will tense your muscles, not a good thing.

Fuck My Life Update

You have come to know and love the regular "Fuck my Life" feature on my shows, so I have decieded to make it a definate regular. here is your update

1. Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

2. Today, I finally got Wii Fit to lose some weight. Came home and set it all up only to be told that I weigh too much to use the board. FML

3. Today, I returned home to find out that my new and very expensive computer had overheated. I confronted my mom, and she told me that she had covered up the fan because she didn't like the noise. FML

4. Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing. FML

5. Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're high school sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, “I’ve been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

6. Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a youtube video for how to do rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

News of the Weird

News of the weird
Lots of weird things happen every day, I mean I’m a living example. The point is though that I have decided to shed some light into the dark world of the weird. So here are the headlines for 07.07.09
1. Jeffrey Salery, a 50-year-old inmate at John Latorraca Correctional Facility now faces battery charges for pummeling another inmate, who allegedly "disrespected" the King of Pop.

2. Guards become suspicious when 31 year old inmate at Howard county jail in America used huge amounts of toilet paper, suspecting dioreaha the guards thought nothing more of it until the inmate used the toilet paper as a wedge between his cell door, and he actually escaped.

3. Montana police caught up with Michael Dauwalder at a gas station after witnesses say he pulled into a parking lot and asked if anybody wanted to smoke dope. "I'm drunk as hell" the Montana man allegedly said before his blood alcohol level tested at .176, twice the state's legal limit.

4. Police say they arrested the pastor after finding 6.6 grams of crack in White's hotel room and 6.5 grams secreted in a body cavity -- and that would be taking the name of the drug just a little too literally.

5. The 34-year-old woman from Florida allegedly robbed a Wendy's over the weekend, and then got into a high speed chase on US-1, as her kid sat in the back.
6. When officers finally pulled Peters-Ortiz from the car, she was allegedly smoking cocaine. Hopefully, she'll learn that crime doesn't pay, especially when you can't find a baby sitter.

Excuses for getting out of a date !!

Inevitably the day will come when you are asked to go on a date by someone who you think is just plain nasty and well you will have to think up an excuse to get out of it. Personally I just say no, ‘cos that whole feelings thing doesn’t really mean all that much to me. Anyway here is the top ten most used excuses as found by an actual survey.
10. I`m washing my hair. (The lamest excuse there is but hey it works)9. My dog has been suffering from depression and I really think we need to spend some time together.8. I`m going to work abroad tomorrow but I`ll be back in six months why don`t I phone you then.7. My friend is going to be on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and I`m her phone a friend and you know what these shows are like they could ring at any time.6. I have work commitments for the next 3 months but I will give you a ring at the end of it.5. My mother is coming to stay for a few weeks so don`t phone me I`ll phone you.4. I think I'm coming down with a cold, and I don`t want to give you it. 3. My horoscopes says be wary of men ------- (make something up that sums him up) and that sounds like you so I think things are best left alone don`t you?2. The football season has just started I`ll call you after it has ended. 1. I don`t think I`m ready for dating just yet.